00:00 - 00:01
- When you think about colonization,
00:01 - 00:03
it is the strangest thing
you can think about.
00:03 - 00:04
'Cause conquering is one thing.
00:04 - 00:07
You go to another country,
you take what's theirs,
00:07 - 00:09
you want more, you take
the land, you know,
00:09 - 00:11
you take the resources,
you kill the people.
00:11 - 00:14
That I understand, but colonization...
00:14 - 00:17
I don't condone; I understand.
00:17 - 00:20
But colonization is strange
because you go there,
00:20 - 00:21
and you don't just take over.
00:21 - 00:26
You then force the people to become you.
00:26 - 00:28
That is such a strange concept.
00:28 - 00:30
When you think about where
the British did it...
00:30 - 00:30
I mean, they...
00:30 - 00:32
You know, they did it in Africa, they...
00:32 - 00:34
You know, they did it in Asia.
00:34 - 00:36
And think about in India.
00:36 - 00:39
Those cultures could not be
more diametrically opposed.
00:39 - 00:42
And out of nowhere, the British
just decided to roll up.
00:42 - 00:45
Imagine what the Indians must
have felt like on that day.
00:45 - 00:46
(audience chuckling)
00:46 - 00:49
Minding your own business,
walking through a field.
00:50 - 00:53
The next thing you know, the
British showed up on horseback.
00:53 - 00:54
(mimicking hoofbeats)
00:58 - 01:00
(audience laughing)
01:00 - 01:01
Hear ye, hear ye!
01:02 - 01:05
By order of her Majesty,
the Queen, we have arrived!
01:06 - 01:09
(audience laughing)
01:10 - 01:11
You over there!
01:12 - 01:14
What is the name of this land?
01:17 - 01:18
There's land over here?
01:19 - 01:20
This is called "India."
01:22 - 01:24
Well, my good man, I'm here to tell you
01:24 - 01:27
that India is now under
the British empire!
01:30 - 01:32
(audience laughing)
01:32 - 01:34
And I'm glad that I can tell you
01:34 - 01:37
that India is exactly
where it was yesterday.
01:37 - 01:40
(audience laughing)
01:41 - 01:44
No, no, no, I feel you're not
understanding what I'm saying.
01:44 - 01:47
I'm letting you know that
we're here to colonize you
01:47 - 01:48
by order of the Queen.
01:51 - 01:51
Who is the queen?
01:51 - 01:53
(audience laughing)
01:53 - 01:57
The Queen, the Queen of England,
the ruler of great Britain!
01:57 - 01:59
She who was ordained by God.
02:02 - 02:05
(audience laughing)
02:06 - 02:08
The one true God.
02:08 - 02:10
There are many gods, my friend.
02:10 - 02:12
What is the name of your god?
02:12 - 02:14
(audience laughing)
02:14 - 02:17
There is only one God,
and his name is God,
02:17 - 02:18
and you too shall worship him!
02:19 - 02:21
You want me to worship a god,
02:21 - 02:22
but you don't want to tell me his name?
02:22 - 02:24
(audience laughing)
02:24 - 02:26
What are you talking about;
there are many gods, okay?
02:26 - 02:28
There is Shiva, there is
Lakshmi, there is Hare Krishna.
02:28 - 02:29
There are many gods.
02:29 - 02:31
What is the name of your god?
02:31 - 02:34
(audience laughing)
02:34 - 02:35
His name is God!
02:38 - 02:40
You don't know the name of your god?
02:40 - 02:42
(audience laughing)
02:42 - 02:44
It's just God.
02:45 - 02:47
Is it like mommy or daddy?
02:47 - 02:49
(audience laughing)
02:49 - 02:50
You want me to worship your god,
02:50 - 02:52
but you don't want to
tell me his name, huh?
02:52 - 02:54
How am I going to pray
to him; what do I do?
02:54 - 02:55
Every morning, I go to wake up,
02:55 - 02:57
and I pray like, "Oh, dear god, dear god,
02:57 - 02:59
I was hoping that maybe,
god, you could help me...
02:59 - 03:00
No, no, sorry, not you, other god.
03:00 - 03:02
No, no, other god.
03:02 - 03:02
No, no, not...
03:02 - 03:03
Wrong god, no, god.
03:03 - 03:04
I was trying to talk to other...
03:04 - 03:05
No, no, no, you're right.
03:05 - 03:06
I should have asked for your first name.
03:06 - 03:08
No, no, god, no, other God, please.
03:08 - 03:09
No, god behind that god.
03:09 - 03:11
No, not you today, god, other God.
03:11 - 03:12
You're right, he told me you would know
03:12 - 03:13
who I was talking to, and I don't...
03:13 - 03:15
No no, other god, please.
03:16 - 03:17
No, no that god..."
03:17 - 03:19
Then I wonder why my prayers
are not getting answered, ah?
03:19 - 03:22
(audience cheering)
03:26 - 03:28
How dare you speak to me like that!
03:29 - 03:30
Do you know who I am?
03:30 - 03:33
No, because you never introduced yourself.
03:35 - 03:39
I have come here
representing Great Britain!
03:39 - 03:42
And I have never heard of Great Britain.
03:42 - 03:44
Who gave you that name?
03:44 - 03:47
(audience laughing)
03:47 - 03:49
Well, well, well, we did.
03:51 - 03:53
You call yourselves "great?"
03:54 - 03:56
Isn't that a little presumptuous?
03:56 - 03:58
(audience laughing)
03:58 - 03:59
Shouldn't you wait for other people
03:59 - 04:02
to tell you how great you are, huh?
04:02 - 04:03
Shouldn't you just go around the world
04:03 - 04:05
and just do good things,
good things, good things,..
04:05 - 04:06
Then people go, "Oh my God, Britain,
04:06 - 04:08
look how great you are!"
04:08 - 04:12
(audience laughing)
04:12 - 04:14
Well, I beg to differ.
04:14 - 04:16
I believe we could do it
because we knew instinctively.
04:16 - 04:18
We are Great Britain.
04:18 - 04:21
Well, in that case,
welcome to Great India.
04:21 - 04:23
(audience laughing)
04:23 - 04:24
No, it doesn't...
04:24 - 04:25
It doesn't work like that!
04:25 - 04:26
It doesn't work like that!
04:26 - 04:27
How dare you speak to me like this?
04:27 - 04:30
Look, you are the one who
dares to speak to me, okay?
04:30 - 04:32
I was here minding my
own business in my land.
04:32 - 04:34
You came over here,
riding on your skinny cow,
04:34 - 04:37
telling me that things
are going to change.
04:37 - 04:38
I don't know who you are.
04:38 - 04:39
All I know is you are clearly crazy, okay?
04:39 - 04:41
You're not feeling too right.
04:41 - 04:42
And I didn't want to say anything,
04:42 - 04:43
but you look like you're going to faint.
04:43 - 04:46
In fact, it looks like
you died last week, okay?
04:46 - 04:47
Something is very wrong with your skin.
04:47 - 04:49
You're not looking good, my friend.
04:49 - 04:50
Maybe you should come down.
04:50 - 04:52
We have a curry; we talk about this.
04:52 - 04:54
What are you talking
about, I look quite normal!
04:54 - 04:55
You do not look normal, my friend.
04:55 - 04:57
I've never seen anybody
with that complexion
04:57 - 04:58
in my life, okay?
04:59 - 05:00
You look like you're playing hide and seek
05:00 - 05:01
with the sun your entire life.
05:01 - 05:03
I don't know what is happening,
05:03 - 05:05
but that is not how a
person should look, ah?
05:05 - 05:08
I can see your veins pumping
through your skin right now.
05:08 - 05:09
You know how creepy that is,
05:09 - 05:11
pumping, pumping, pumping, pumping?
05:11 - 05:13
If I was your doctor, I
don't need x-ray machine.
05:13 - 05:15
I just go, "What is
problem; it is your kidney.
05:15 - 05:17
How do I know; because
you are translucent.
05:17 - 05:18
That is how I know."
05:19 - 05:21
Damn you, we are going to run this country
05:21 - 05:22
whether you like it or not!
05:22 - 05:23
We are not going to do
anything you tell us.
05:23 - 05:24
You're a madman.
05:24 - 05:25
We are going to take it!
05:25 - 05:26
You're not taking...
05:26 - 05:27
We're going...
05:27 - 05:30
(mimics gunshot)
05:31 - 05:32
She is all yours, take, take...
05:33 - 05:35
You don't play nice; take.
05:35 - 05:36
Hey guys, hanks for watching.
05:36 - 05:38
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05:38 - 05:40
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05:47 - 05:50
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